(My voice over here)
As I continue my life moving forward, I see lingering treasures that I keep; those that have not been influenced solely by myself.
I have been married since November 2021, but our big wedding anniversary celebration was one year ago. And I write this as a ballad to everyone who formed and helped me become the version of myself I am today, before choosing my current life partner.
I’ll start by saying this - it was not only my exes who helped me get here. I write this as if I’m holding a golden globe of life achievements. I watched my mother marry my father for love, and they both suffered greatly. Although they were in love, they lacked the communication skills to make a partnership work. I wrote this in my piece, "Man of My Dreams”. You can read more if you’re interested.
When I was younger, I compared the women around me to understand how life worked. My mom and her sister were the closest women to me, so naturally I looked up to them. I thought I was supposed to make choices in the same way they did. It wasn’t until I went through the majority of my journey that I realized it was me who was supposed to break the mold for how they made decisions. I needed to unfold some inherited bad partnership patterns and undo the damage that had been done for generations. No pressure.
I watched my aunt marry her husband for stability and family partnership. Although it was clear that they loved one another, the love wasn’t passionate or romantic the way I saw the fire burning between my parents. My aunt’s marriage reflected a padded financial situation and a sense of isolation between partners, whereas my parents were the opposite. They were unmatched in connection, but their financial stability wavered and as a result, they grew weary from financial stress and exhaustion. I look back and realize these initial formations influenced my love life. I bonded primarily based on soul connection. Everyone else who came to pave the road shaped some of the deepest internal findings within me. They reflected what they saw within me back to me. As we know, it’s about the journey itself; the moments when the mirrors show you who you are becoming, not the outcome.
I had one life-changing love that lasted only 3 months. We were good friends for years before getting together. He saw inside of my soul and could almost read my mind. I often refer to things he said to me or moments we shared. The most valuable lesson he helped me understand was my willingness to dedicate my life to others’ well-being instead of my own. My enmeshment within my family created a strong sense of living for them and their needs. This, in turn, trickled into my partnerships, and it took me years to recondition myself from this.
George, my husband, has understood from the beginning of our relationship that the life I had experienced with this particular partner was not a memory that I wanted to give up, nor the friendship between us. I am still in contact with him, and he means the world to me. I believe that some people help shape us, and the very lessons of my past continue to unfold for me throughout my life.
Not only did my ex-partners help establish what I needed in a partnership, but they also helped me understand what I needed for the birth of my child to happen, and what I sought in a father for my child. I often replay old situations, and now I understand why things had to happen as they did. I have been able to look at those experiences as a mother, and I recognize so much more than before. I had a couple of relationships that almost led to marriage and one that did. I often ask myself the same question: Could I have what I am experiencing now, with anyone other than George? Always, the answer is a clear “no”. I am thankful for the man I chose to raise my daughter with.
This makes me think of the song- In My Life by the Beatles which says-
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I love you more
My first long-term boyfriend culminated in a blossoming friendship and an intense knowing (or rather, a remembering). He told me I’d be his girlfriend about 6 months into being friends. At the time, I was dating a much older and possessive man. He was the kind of person who would have done anything to keep me, and my “friend” apart from one another. Despite his best efforts, it was so easy to be together because of our mutual respect and value for one another that I left the unhealthy relationship and stayed single for a few years. My “friend” said that he just knew we’d be together. He wasn’t pressed for time or too eager to make something happen and waited to let it all unfold organically. He helped me get through some of the largest life transitions, and we dated on and off for seven years.
I like to call this a karmic connection that holds a special agreement. Life plays out whatever needs to be finished. I am a true believer in past lives because some of the experiences I’ve had are inexplicable and magical. Remembering people from my past is not only very real for me, but I’ve now learned to do it for others. I have been blessed with beautiful memories and some rather profound moments that help me remember that life is more complex than what we see on the outside.
When I first met him, I remembered his eyes. I knew them so well, that I could almost see a glimpse of the person I knew him as before. Then, sometime later, we were lying in bed together, as lovers do, and we both started remembering the feeling of knowing each other and waiting for one another. I distinctly saw him waiting for me on a ship off the coast of Venice, Italy. He had never been there but told me he was fascinated with Italian culture, and Venice felt like home. He said he remembered waiting for me to join him on a long journey in the sea, but I never came. It was not even a thought in my mind, but rather a deep feeling in my inner being. I told him I didn’t come because something happened to me. I could feel this deep yearning and tears began flowing from my eyes. I kept apologizing profusely. I knew that we had spent lifetimes together.
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(My voice over here)
George and I went to Egypt a couple of years ago and I returned with the most profound dream. I saw a past life of mine with this same first, long-term ex-boyfriend. I dreamed we were friends and grew up as children together in Alexandria. I was to be married to him, but I had fallen in love with a young military man and became pregnant with his child. I told the military man the news of our child. To my horror, the man tried to beat me to death, but I struck him with something and he never again woke up. My betrothed friend had compassion towards me. He assisted me in staying in good societal standing with his nobility. He knew that I would not be ok otherwise and helped me cover up the death of the military man.
The dream gave me glimpses of who the people from the past were in my present. It was clear that the pieces of the past repeated and the military man was the much older, possessive ex-boyfriend. That was one of the hardest and most grueling relationships I have experienced, and I truly admit that if there were something to avoid “doing over”, that would be it. The interesting part of this dream was that it was like a double prequel to the life we lived together in the present. I not only saw why we planned to meet again in Venice one lifetime later but also saw that I was killed by this same military man, jealous ex-boyfriend this time around. The lesson is to have patience and ease with timing. Learn kindness and compassion for past transgressions. Forgive yourself for your mistakes, and always, know that love is gentle.
I look at myself now and see lingering pieces of the past in some of my habits and quirks, recognizing that they were not always mine. I give a lot of love and cherish the memories I had with the people I was with before because, without them, I don't think I would feel so whole and complete now.
Sometimes, it's almost as if we have to move into the spaces of 'otherness' just to find ourselves. I have loved, lost, and found myself again and again through the lessons of love. It has been the greatest teacher for me.
P.s. Outside of writing, I like to help people heal and find a way back to themselves. Check out my small business www.ritualcomun.com to learn more.
I love the strength, the lessons and the vulnerability in this!