(My voice over here)
As I continue my life moving forward, I see lingering treasures that I keep; those that have not been influenced solely by myself.
I have been married since November 2021, but our big wedding anniversary celebration was one year ago. And I write this as a ballad to everyone who formed and helped me become the version of myself I am today, before choosing my current life partner.
I’ll start by saying this - it was not only my exes who helped me get here. I write this as if I’m holding a golden globe of life achievements. I watched my mother marry my father for love, and they both suffered greatly. Although they were in love, they lacked the communication skills to make a partnership work. I wrote this in my piece, "Man of My Dreams”. You can read more if you’re interested.
When I was younger, I compared the women around me to understand how life worked. My mom and her sister were the closest women to me, so naturally I looked up to them. I thought I was supposed to make choices in the same way they did. It wasn’t until I went through the majority of my journey that I realized it was me who was supposed to break the mold for how they made decisions. I needed to unfold some inherited bad partnership patterns and undo the damage that had been done for generations. No pressure.
I watched my aunt marry her husband for stability and family partnership. Although it was clear that they loved one another, the love wasn’t passionate or romantic the way I saw the fire burning between my parents. My aunt’s marriage reflected a padded financial situation and a sense of isolation between partners, whereas my parents were the opposite. They were unmatched in connection, but their financial stability wavered and as a result, they grew weary from financial stress and exhaustion. I look back and realize these initial formations influenced my love life. I bonded primarily based on soul connection. Everyone else who came to pave the road shaped some of the deepest internal findings within me. They reflected what they saw within me back to me. As we know, it’s about the journey itself; the moments when the mirrors show you who you are becoming, not the outcome.
I had one life-changing love that lasted only 3 months. We were good friends for years before getting together. He saw inside of my soul and could almost read my mind. I often refer to things he said to me or moments we shared. The most valuable lesson he helped me understand was my willingness to dedicate my life to others’ well-being instead of my own. My enmeshment within my family created a strong sense of living for them and their needs. This, in turn, trickled into my partnerships, and it took me years to recondition myself from this.
George, my husband, has understood from the beginning of our relationship that the life I had experienced with this particular partner was not a memory that I wanted to give up, nor the friendship between us. I am still in contact with him, and he means the world to me. I believe that some people help shape us, and the very lessons of my past continue to unfold for me throughout my life.
Not only did my ex-partners help establish what I needed in a partnership, but they also helped me understand what I needed for the birth of my child to happen, and what I sought in a father for my child. I often replay old situations, and now I understand why things had to happen as they did. I have been able to look at those experiences as a mother, and I recognize so much more than before. I had a couple of relationships that almost led to marriage and one that did. I often ask myself the same question: Could I have what I am experiencing now, with anyone other than George? Always, the answer is a clear “no”. I am thankful for the man I chose to raise my daughter with.
This makes me think of the song- In My Life by the Beatles which says-
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I love you more
My first long-term boyfriend culminated in a blossoming friendship and an intense knowing (or rather, a remembering). He told me I’d be his girlfriend about 6 months into being friends. At the time, I was dating a much older and possessive man. He was the kind of person who would have done anything to keep me, and my “friend” apart from one another. Despite his best efforts, it was so easy to be together because of our mutual respect and value for one another that I left the unhealthy relationship and stayed single for a few years. My “friend” said that he just knew we’d be together. He wasn’t pressed for time or too eager to make something happen and waited to let it all unfold organically. He helped me get through some of the largest life transitions, and we dated on and off for seven years.
I like to call this a karmic connection that holds a special agreement. Life plays out whatever needs to be finished. I am a true believer in past lives because some of the experiences I’ve had are inexplicable and magical. Remembering people from my past is not only very real for me, but I’ve now learned to do it for others. I have been blessed with beautiful memories and some rather profound moments that help me remember that life is more complex than what we see on the outside.
When I first met him, I remembered his eyes. I knew them so well, that I could almost see a glimpse of the person I knew him as before. Then, sometime later, we were lying in bed together, as lovers do, and we both started remembering the feeling of knowing each other and waiting for one another. I distinctly saw him waiting for me on a ship off the coast of Venice, Italy. He had never been there but told me he was fascinated with Italian culture, and Venice felt like home. He said he remembered waiting for me to join him on a long journey in the sea, but I never came. It was not even a thought in my mind, but rather a deep feeling in my inner being. I told him I didn’t come because something happened to me. I could feel this deep yearning and tears began flowing from my eyes. I kept apologizing profusely. I knew that we had spent lifetimes together.
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